The Making of A Monster Part 1: Jack Frost Binder

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Eating and living unhealthy became his twisted way to recharge his biblical battery. Meanwhile, the spirit that housed this vessel as a living testament was absent and vacated the premises a long time ago.

Pastor didn’t bother to finish the half eaten sandwich he left on the coffee table. Nor did he brush off the existing bread crumbs from his godly robe before making his last minute dash to the pulpit. In his effort to reach the

stage he noticed the Hostess Cake sitting on the kitchen counter. He quickly grabbed it while curiously looking around to see if anyone was watching.

There was nothing elegant about the next few chain of events that’s about to unfold. He stopped turned around and headed towards the sofa.  He didn’t fall.

It was more like a plunge onto the leather sofa which made the sound effect of a plop as he gazed in lust at the

two day old, stale Twinkie held in his hand with a peculiar twinkle in his eye that was somewhat scary to witness.

Mother Jenkins yelled at Pastor causing him to drop his cake on the floor, scolding him saying, “Get your greedy behind out here on the stage.”

Pastor jumped off the sofa like a human rocket, rushed passed Mother Jenkins just in time to take the microphone from Bishop James.

Greedy Pastor: The Making Of A Monster “Jack Frost Binder”

And Pastor Earl said… “Your contributions, all of your contributions are greatly appreciated. We thank you ever so much for your kind gesture”.

Pastor Earl was sweating like a stuff pig. He licked his lips as he watched the offering plate change hands.

He started doing the hungry, fat man dance, rockin’ side to side with his eyes wide and fixed as if he’d seen an abandon smothered pork chop.

By this time, all the visitors of the church were sold and fooled but everybody else knew Pastor had his eyes on Jyson. Jyson sang tenor for the church all male choir, the first of its kind of its time. The church couldn’t raise enough money for a woman’s group at least that’s what Pastor had said. Now you didn’t hear it from me but Pastor Earl has a sweet tooth for the young boys of the church and outside of the church. Everybody knew Pastor’s secret but enjoyed his service and decided to look the other way just as long as it wasn’t their child that felt this stiffness. I mean became his victim. Yeah, that’s it.

The offering plate pasted quickly throughout the church. The usher handed pastor the tide basket. Pastor looked inside the basket and pulled out a single envelope. The hungry man’s dance came to a halt. Pastor put his hand on his stomach, looked around and said, “Big things come in small packages, praise the lord. Can I get an Amen?” The church became quite as Jyson yelled out with a happy meal smile upon his face, “Amenz”,  Looking over his glasses, Pastor smiled as he opened the envelope pulling out a single bill and said, “Good lord, five dollars. Five dollars, now I know we can do better than that? If not then it’s the dollar menu tonight. Thank you”. Pastor placed the five dollars into his pocket.

Mother Jenkins seated behind pastor den kicked pastor right in the back of his knee cap. Pastor didn’t flinch nor did he buckle, he didn’t even look back at Mother Jenkins, he embraced and absorbed the blow by looking like he was sitting on the toilet, sweating and just let out a big ole long fart right in Mother J’s face. Den he farted again. It was one of dem long, I think he shyted on himself type of stink bomb of a fart cause pastor started patting and fanning his butt afterwards, waving it in Mother J’s direction. It was just awful but funny too.  One could see a cloud of smoke appear above her head as stars circle around indicating she became dizzy from his stink (his preferred perfume).

I reckon that was his way of making sure all of the funk got out of his pants. Poe Mother Jenkins whiff of pastor’s offering caused Mother to throw-up, without warning, on herself. Mother J just couldn’t hold it. She tried to get up and run but slipped and fell in her own vomit. Mother slid down the pulpit steps, her dress flew up, her wig had fell off and rolled in the center of the vomit. She must have eaten some bacon and black beans that didn’t agree wit her. Pastor told Mother Jenkins to roll around to even out the wetness and to turn her wig around cause nobody would be able to tell the difference. Mother Jenkins just laid there stiff as Pastor’s shirt. I think she was knocked unconscious.

earl-campbell2Greedy Pastor: The Making Of A Monster “Jack Frost Binder”

Pastor mumbled, “Well that’s more for me at McDonald’s. Humm, but maybe I can squeeze, I mean take that young man with me to eat a little somethin-somethin and it ain’t no McDonald’s, lol, good lord. praise him”. Then Pastor said aloud, “Can I get an Amen”? All of the visitors started looking at each other and Pastor said, “I can’t hear ya therefore God can’t even hear you”.” The conjugation and the people confused and puzzled looked at each other, shrug their shoulders and replied, “Amen”.

For years Pastor lived high up on the low after he hit hard times trying to become the next big thing out of Atlanta; an R&B singer. He stayed in hotels he couldn’t afford and maxed out his credit cards from dinning at high-end restaurants and from poor management. You can search for him on YouTube under Earl Campbell “Baby Let Me Love You”. That’s right, Earl Campbell from Myrtle Beach, not the football player. “A girl for you and a boy for me” tells the entire story about Pastor and his 3 missing toothfies. I meant to say, his sugar teeth. He would put in his fake teeth for the video, thank god. The video didn’t do so well because of something about it sounding like a song that was already done in the 80’s. I think the name of the record was called “Ring My Bell”.  Wait, I remember that song and it’s meaning. I’m not going to touch that one.

Whoever controls the media controls the world. Pastor Earl Campbel, a 46 year old country bumpkin and a infamous night crawler, didn’t payoff the right people so his single just sits there on ITunes collecting dust online. Nobody will dare play the record on the radio in fear of the association. Pastor has a voice that only the church and his family could love and a face too. Come to think about it Pastor don’t have any family, I mean his family is not speaking to him for some reason. His son will never forgive Pastor for what he had done to him as a child; his father created him in his image and in his likeness. Now Pastor’s young child can’t get stop thinking about bobbing for apples, morning, noon and especially at night. I thinks his son is doing time up in the penitentiary.

Goobily Gooo.jpgGreedy Pastor: The Making Of A Monster “Jack Frost Binder”

(Back to the story) Good Goobily Gooo! The way that Pastor looks at Jyson spells a story all in itself. The way I hear it, Jyson’s not speaking to Pastor either cause Pastor used a woman in his video,

singing to her confessing his love right after Jyson and Pastor just had their historical night together. It just didn’t sit right with Jyson since he wanted to use the video as a divine coming out testament.

Pastor’s cell phone must have been on vibrate cause he checked it as if it was a hot potato. Then he told the congregation he was taking a bathroom break and that he would be right back.

Pastor stepped over Mother Jenkins and headed towards the bathroom. His phone must have vibrated again cause Pastor started running, with a stump look on his face, as if he had to use the bathroom real bad.

The door to the bathroom was locked so Pastor answered his phone. It was being occupied by Bishop Lewis who had a terrible case of the runs. A baffled Bishop heard the entire perplex and puzzling conversation while he was trying to wipe his butt.

Bishop said, Pastor answered the phone saying “Hey baby. How are you doing? How late can you come over to the house? Would you like or can I interest you in a threesome? I have a young guy that may want to join us for a couple of dollars, he’s 18 years old”. Bishop stopped wiping his butt when Pastor said “How big is your dyck? I’ll suck yours and then you’ll suck mine. How old are you? I’m 36 (gives out his home address). Call me when you get close to the house”. Bishop den flushes the toilet to make some noise and to get rid of the smell. Bishop must have had the black beans & bacon too cause everybody had to wait to use the bathroom about 25 to 35 minutes so it could air out.

earl-campbellGreedy Pastor: The Making Of A Monster “Jack Frost Binder”

Bishop called Pastor Earl a nasty azz, and said out of all the years he had know Pastor, he couldn’t recall that last time Pastor took a shower or soaked himself inside a bathtub. He mentioned that Pastor prefer to take bird baths using a bucket. Pastor is sho nuff, nasty cause the thought of it would make a person itch and scratch until a sore pop up or something.  After service, Pastor couldn’t wait to get out of church. He didn’t even check on Mother J or inquire about her status. No, he didn’t. He just changed his clothes so quickly it would make your little head spin, talking about he gots to go “its smash time”.  Pastor knows good and damn well football season hasn’t started yet.

Pastor is ole school country. Country as in that stink Magic Shaving cream and mess he uses. He even heats that shyt up in a microwave phuckin’ up the entire house. This bowleg, overweight, big stomach, out of shape, fudge pop smackin’, lickin’, and suckin’ got the nerve to be tryin to style bob socks with scuffed three quarter workmen boots, lookin’ like a sorry Fred Sanford minus the son. Who does that? Lord, please have mercy on his soul but he’s a disgusting sight to look at. Will somebody hand him some butter to go with those four dinner rolls growin’ on the back of his neck before we all slice up and divide the bread.

Speaking about bread, was it mentioned that Pastor slurps his food when he eats and drink? Yep, he could spare everybody the visual and the audio but he makes this awful sound that will have your skin crawling.

Pastor slurps corn bread if you let him and will blame the butter in the corn bread for slurpin. He even has the nerve to laugh after each slurp as if he’s thinking about something and enjoying it too.

One thing can be said, he is trying to lose weight. He’s sharing a single room where he’ll plug-in and turn on an electric heater and with headphones and his trusty IPod with music, Pastor can be heard jumping up and down while wearing boxer shorts with holes in them. He does this until he’s dripping and drenched in sweat. Talkin bout he’s in da gym. However, people do wish he’d stop making those sound effects when he walk up and down a flight of steps, grunting (Ooh, gesh, whew). Nobody wants to hear dat shyt.

Is it a crime that Pastor is greedy and has a sweet tooth; a weakness fo young boyz? Is it a sin that Big Mama got that pigs feet, short rib so sweet we all gonna eat and not say grace? Is Pastor wrong for living a double life? Do you think this had anything to do with his wife filling for divorce? Why do you think his family stopped speaking to him? Some people in the church want to know how Bishop knew so much about Pastor but that’s another story for another day. Cause according to Pastor Earl, err thang is gravy. Or did he say he puts gravy on it? I can’t remember.


Heaven is at the foot of Mother…

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